No more Mrs. Nice Guy

I'm starting to think that people who are not nice and compassionate are actually happier than those who are. Spending too much energy caring about others seems to take its toll on one's own happiness. If true altruism were possible, maybe nice people could be happy, but I think that we all eventually need something back. Maybe teenagers have it right with their all-about-me attitudes. They have self-absorption down to a science. I am going to take some lessons from my two wonderful, self-absorbed teenagers on how to only care about me, and how I feel, and what's good for me. I truly find this behavior loathesome, but it seems to work for them. The caring, compassionate route is leaving me feeling needy and sad. I know that seems counterintuitive, but there really seems to be evidence that being "too nice" is a liability.

Texting

I have come to the conclusion that texting is dangerous business. The opportunity to be misinterpreted is too great. If you decide to compose an email you will probably choose your words carefully, mull them over for a bit, and reread them at least once before pressing Send. Texting is too close to talking, but it allows for a lack of inhibition that could be somewhat healthy in a face to face dialogue. So much is lost in translation through a text. There is no context. Therefore, words and feelings are quickly misconstrued. I'm not saying that I will depart "cold turkey" from my texting addiction, but I will definitely be more cautious, and I will take that moment to read and contemplate before sending.

Weather

It's June 20th, it's been raining for weeks, the grass is "as high as an elephant's eye," and for some strange reason I seem to be the only person enjoying this crazy weather. Maybe it's because my life is so dreary and strange right now that I am finding the rain oddly comforting. It's the only thing that's not trying to cheer me up right now. It's allowing me to curl up in my bed with books and my laptop without feeling guilty that I should be out gardening, or surfing, or soaking up those vitamin-filled rays that everyone demands every day. 

The funny thing about humans and weather is that no matter what mother nature puts out each day, people will find something to complain about. When the sun is shining, it's either too hot, or too humid, or too bright. They're getting too sunburned, the kids won't cooperate with the sunblock applications, the grass is turning brown, the garden needs watering again...And God forbid it rains!! Even if it rains 1 day out of 9, people will undoubtedly say, "when will it ever stop raining?" Since weather HAPPENS every day, and most people don't really have much to say, I guess it gives those poor, shallow souls something to pontificate about.  Hmmm...since I just filled 2 perfectly good paragraphs discussing the weather, I have officially joined the ranks of the poor, shallow souls. I think I'll grab my organic shampoo and hop outside for a nice shower in the rain!! 

favorite quotes of the day

"We should eat all of our provisions now so that we have less to carry."--Christopher Robin (Winnie the Pooh)

"Seize the moment of excited curiosity on any subject to solve your doubts; for if you let it pass, the desire may never return, and you may remain in ignorance."--William Wirt

Too Nice??

I always thought that being nice, and looking for the good qualities in others were honorable attributes. OK, they may still be honorable, but apparently they are not necessarily fulfilling or productive. 

I have recently been accused of being too nice. That's a tough thing to hear. I guess I could be considered an idealist. I should really be more cynical and harshly judgemental considering that I grew up with parents who could quickly find flaws in Mother Theresa!! I have worked hard to try to look for the good in people. In doing that, I have apparently blinded myself to the not-so-good things that I just didn't want to see. 

So, the burning question of the moment is: How do I remain "nice" while being more cautious of those who can rip my heart out? I always prided myself as being a good judge of character. When I get more comfortable with this whole blogging deal, maybe I'll share why I no longer think I'm a good judge of character. 

favorite quote of the day

"insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time."

~Albert Einstein

quick dinner story

My 70 something parents used to host Thanksgiving dinner until about 3 years ago when they spent 15 minutes in a heated argument over lights vs candles. After my mother had painstakingly located candles and decorated the table and the dining room with enough of them for mood and vision, my father insisted that the lights be turned on because he liked to see his food! This battle was not in the kitchen, away from the guests, NO, it was at the table in front of 12 very terrified, confused guests who probably have not graced us with their presence since that evening. 

family dinner stories

Please send me your funniest, zaniest, most memorable family dinner stories. Trying to get a cross cultural slice of families and their dynamics at the dinner table.

more about role models

I know that it may seem odd that I dove into my first blog with a rant about the importance of role models, so let me explain myself. I have recently come across many friends who grew up with relatively carefree, unabusive, “happy” childhoods. I know that’s hard to believe, but we really do exist!!! I find myself having to apologize a bit too often lately for my happy childhood.

 Many of us Adult Children of Happy Childhoods have, or are in the process of, ending relationships with partners who did not have the same blissed out childhood experiences that we have. I find that the two do not jive.

We undoubtedly all have baggage of some sort, but those without strong role models to guide them through all of the inevitable rough patches in life will not have the tools to enjoy truly healthy and happy relationships with their partners who have had that gift.

When you meet a new love interest, it’s not unfair to ask them about their experiences, and how their family life compared to yours. Just because someone “seems” together, sane, and well-suited to you, does not necessarily mean that they are. Possibly the most important factor in compatibility is the similarity of moral fabric. Morality comes in many different shapes and sizes. One can be moral in the sense that they do not physically harm others and they follow the general rules and regs of society.  This does not translate into them being the appropriate partner for you. 

There are so many desires, feelings and actions that need to be assessed when choosing a partner.  If you jump in head first just because the person is attractive, smart, fun, sexy..., and you’ve neglected to ask them any pertinent questions, the relationship is destined for failure. When it comes to questions, there are the obvious biggies like religious views, political views, desire to have children or not, and substance abuse issues. But, the ones that we either don’t think about, or are too afraid to ask, may be things like: Do you ideally see yourself being happy with one partner in your life? Do you have wanderlust, or are you content being a homebody much of the time? Do you like to do things yourself or have other people do them for you? Do you like to make things or to buy them? Are you a good listener, or do you only like to be listened to? Is jealousy a word in your vocabulary? Did your parents or caregivers nurture you, listen to you, and give you encouragement? What do you see yourself doing later in life? Where would you ideally live? The list is endless...

Ultimately, without good role models, one cannot maintain a healthy relationship, or be an appropriate parent to children.

We are not that unlike ducks in our imprinting. It's just that we learn a lot more than walking single file behind our mom, and plopping into ponds to hunt for bugs. We learn everything about interpersonal relationships, and how to respond to the events and people that cross our paths in life. If you have had the advantage of getting sound advice and guidance from your caregivers as a child, you will most likely do well to find a partner who has had that same advantage.

Repercussions of life with no good Role Models

When we stumble across the person who we want to share our life with, we often don’t ask the truly important questions. The importance of role models is paramount in the discovery process for success in a relationship. So, asking your partner for all the gory, or hopefully, not so gory details of their childhood is imperative. Were they raised by their parents? Were their parents married? Were they  affectionate to each other and to them and their siblings? Was there substance, verbal or physical abuse? Did they have a trusting relationship with their caregivers? Were they given the opportunity to ask questions and get appropriate answers? The possible questions are endless, but you get the idea.

The answers to these questions will give you a much better idea of what you are getting yourself into in your relationship. If any of the answers raise immediate red flags, then run for your life and your sanity before you get too invested.