more about role models

I know that it may seem odd that I dove into my first blog with a rant about the importance of role models, so let me explain myself. I have recently come across many friends who grew up with relatively carefree, unabusive, “happy” childhoods. I know that’s hard to believe, but we really do exist!!! I find myself having to apologize a bit too often lately for my happy childhood.

 Many of us Adult Children of Happy Childhoods have, or are in the process of, ending relationships with partners who did not have the same blissed out childhood experiences that we have. I find that the two do not jive.

We undoubtedly all have baggage of some sort, but those without strong role models to guide them through all of the inevitable rough patches in life will not have the tools to enjoy truly healthy and happy relationships with their partners who have had that gift.

When you meet a new love interest, it’s not unfair to ask them about their experiences, and how their family life compared to yours. Just because someone “seems” together, sane, and well-suited to you, does not necessarily mean that they are. Possibly the most important factor in compatibility is the similarity of moral fabric. Morality comes in many different shapes and sizes. One can be moral in the sense that they do not physically harm others and they follow the general rules and regs of society.  This does not translate into them being the appropriate partner for you. 

There are so many desires, feelings and actions that need to be assessed when choosing a partner.  If you jump in head first just because the person is attractive, smart, fun, sexy..., and you’ve neglected to ask them any pertinent questions, the relationship is destined for failure. When it comes to questions, there are the obvious biggies like religious views, political views, desire to have children or not, and substance abuse issues. But, the ones that we either don’t think about, or are too afraid to ask, may be things like: Do you ideally see yourself being happy with one partner in your life? Do you have wanderlust, or are you content being a homebody much of the time? Do you like to do things yourself or have other people do them for you? Do you like to make things or to buy them? Are you a good listener, or do you only like to be listened to? Is jealousy a word in your vocabulary? Did your parents or caregivers nurture you, listen to you, and give you encouragement? What do you see yourself doing later in life? Where would you ideally live? The list is endless...

Ultimately, without good role models, one cannot maintain a healthy relationship, or be an appropriate parent to children.

We are not that unlike ducks in our imprinting. It's just that we learn a lot more than walking single file behind our mom, and plopping into ponds to hunt for bugs. We learn everything about interpersonal relationships, and how to respond to the events and people that cross our paths in life. If you have had the advantage of getting sound advice and guidance from your caregivers as a child, you will most likely do well to find a partner who has had that same advantage.